First post...

This will be hard.

I will fail at times.

I need to stay strong.

I shall try to succeed.

This will be a personal record for myself, I can only feel truly accountable for my actions if they can be admitted to somebody, and as these are not the thoughts and deeds which one would wish to divulge to ones friends, at least in this medium they are released from stewing in my mind.

I don't want to list a long tiresome history of all my past eating habits and weights, I'm not doing this to reflect upon the past. I don't have an eating disorder (see my weight for proof). I don't want an eating disorder. I simply want some control over myself. I am, to be blunt, intensely unhappy with my current appearance and wish desperately to rectify this 'problem'.

Problem + Action = Solution. simple.

I'll throw some stats around, it'll hopefully make things a little easier to compare later,

My current BMI is 21.71 (or so the NHS website would have me think), thats with a height of 5'9" and weight of 147 pounds.

I am a UK size 12 - obviously varies from shop to shop, but I'm never a 14

To be right upon the cusp of healthy/underweight, I would have to weigh 8st 10lb - thats 122lb, a long long way from where am I now. I'm not saying this is where I necessarily want to be, but it opens up the perspective a little.

I'm going to give myself a realistic goal weight of 132lb by 2nd December, that is five weeks from now and the day of the 'Santa Dash' in which Boyfriend and Father are competing, and, as it is often brought up in tame banter between the two, hopefully it will act as a encouraging deadline. That would give me a much prettier BMI of 19.65.

If I can see at any point that is going to be impossible to achieve, then perhaps the boundaries will need a little reshuffle, but this will be the target.

Today's intake was disgusting and uncounted. Tomorrow's shan't be.

I have set my alarm for 9.00am, this will give me a good balance between non-eating hours and moving hours. I shall go to the gym and get a good work out sorted. I do find though that the cross trainer is so more calorie burning efficient that any other machine that I feel somewhat disinclined to use them, which leaves me awfully weary with the routine.

Boyfriend has booked me in for a session with his personal trainer on thursday which I am partially dreading (due to the ticking off I am bound to get), but also partially looking forward to (hoping so much that he shall have something useful to impart). Nonetheless, be it abhorrent or thinspiring, it'll still be an hours workout, which is never a bad thing.

I'm never sure which is best for me, being at college, or being on break. If I'm at school, food is plentiful and easy to access and your friends inviting you to do lunch, on the flipside, it is full of thinspiration, routinely structured and right next to the gym. If I'm on break, there are snacks in the house, more group meals and always somebody around but then dinner is never as regular and parents are easier to avoid.

Anyway, now I am on break until Monday and I've a relatively unbooked schedule, so hopefully I'll get down to the gym a lot this week and be able to restrict in time for fasting fun at school.

Tomorrow shall be as much water as I can swallow, and only solid with people around to watch.

I am going to keep a notebook on me so I can record every calorie that goes inside of me so I can account for it later...I may tot up today's total just for repulsion.

thinspire me to succeed...